Happy Kwanzaa!

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy Kwanzaa. Hope this holiday has been off the chain!

Wait a second, it's 2006

You'll have to wait an extra second to celebrate when the ball drops this New Year's Eve, since the people who control this kind of thing will add the first leap second in 7 years. Or do you want to add that extra second during that midnight kiss?

Here are some things you didn't know about the history of New Year's celebrations.

Merry Christmas to All!

God bless us, every one

Here's hoping for a fun, relaxing Christmas for all!

Russian Uruk-hai

Recently discovered documents show that Stalin was trying to develop human/ape crossbreeds to be "living war machines." Click on the link to read more. I'm not making this up!

This is creepy on so many levels. Just a couple of examples: whose job was it to collect the monkey sperm? Was that in the job description? And what woman said "Sure!" when asked to be inseminated with it? Oh my. I just had a thought. Somebody please tell me that there WAS a middleman in that transaction... ((shudder))

But hang on a second...I think I have seen the result of such a pairing right in my own hometown! They're everywhere, I tell you! Don't believe me? Just go to Popeye's.

Syrup swimming & penguin poots

Proof that scientists have a sense of humor: the annual Ig Nobel awards, which give spoof prizes to the most offbeat research. This year's crop went to the inventor of an alarm that rings then runs away and hides, thus ensuring that the sleeper has to get up to turn it off... to scientists who researched whether humans swim faster in syrup rather than in water... to British boffins who analyzed the electrical activity of a locust's brain cell while the insect watched a "Star Wars" movie... and to a German team that calculated the pressure produced in penguins' anuses when the birds expel their feces.

On, Flasher!

Police in London are on the lookout for a flasher in a Santa suit who's been exposing himself to women in the area. Now that's gotta be a traumatizing image. Hopefully no children are witnessing this. Can you imagine the mental scarring involved?

The Physics of Santa

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000/3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Survivor Fantasy League

Here are the final standings in the Survivor: Guatemala Fantasy League competition. Somehow I was able to come from being in last place toward the beginning of the competition to winning. Woo hoo!

PRIVATE TRIBE LEADERBOARD
Tribe Name: funkymonkey

1 guate-mama 3898
2 Chetamala 3824
3 Kirkakoatl 3738
4 mitspah 1486
5 bradsarcade 1397
6 sullivansd 1139
7 mwephoto 731
8 Bradsarcade 661

This was not (in my opinion) the best season of Survivor, but I still love the show. Looks like the next one should be interesting, with the whole "Exile Island" theme. I hope they get some interesting characters, instead of a bunch of young nitwits. I still think they should do Survivor: Antarctica, but that will never happen because of two simple words: No Bikinis.

Santa Sacked!

Did you hear about the British Santa Claus was fired for trying to spend a little extra time visiting with children who came to see him? Bah Humbug!

Yes, Virginia

I'm sure you've all heard about the little girl who, in 1897, wrote to her hometown newspaper to find out the truth about Santa.
You can click here to read the famous letter and find out what happened when that little girl grew up.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

Ah, it's that time of year...parties, banquets, receptions, buffets...myriad opportunities to enjoy all those holiday treats that are so good and yet so bad. Here are a few guidelines that might help you get through the season.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.   Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.  Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even more rare than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.   Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
 

Your ACLU at work

Rudolph's Revenge

John Lennon

"I don't intend to be a performing flea any more. I was the dreamweaver, but although I'll be around I don't intend to be running at 20,000 miles an hour trying to prove myself. I don't want to die at 40." - John Lennon

Twenty-five years ago Thursday a lunatic shot John Lennon dead. Do you remember where you were when you heard about it? I do...I was just 7 years old and didn't know anyting about the Beatles, but I remember feeling sad. Lennon was born just a day or two after my Daddy, and I remember thinking how it wasn't right for someone to die that young (age 40).

Here is an article about his legacy. Also, if you get a chance, read the book "John" by his first wife, Cynthia (Julian's mother). Although I have tremendous respect for John Lennon as an artist, don't count me among those who idolize the man. He was a genius, but he was also a pretty screwed-up individual.



Here's another quote from Lennon about his years at home raising Sean--wonder why I like this one?

"I've been baking bread and looking after the baby...Everyone else who has asked me that question over the last few years says. 'But what else have you been doing?' To which I say, 'Are you kidding?' Because bread and babies, as every housewife knows, is a full-time job. After I made the loaves [of bread], I felt like I had conquered something. But as I watched the bread being eaten, I thought, 'Well, Jesus, don't I get a gold record or knighted or nothing?'" - John Lennon

Shameful!

Cindy Sheehan book signing

Once again, peacenik Cindy Sheehan is entertaining America with her incurable victimitis. Sheehan has written a book and her publisher organized a book signing in her Crawford, Texas "Camp Casey" protest tent. Problem is, hardly anybody showed up. Cindy is angry with "right-wing" Internet sites (like the Associated Press and Reuters) for publishing pictures of her waiting on "fans." She accused the AP and Reuters of "spreading a false story that nobody bought my book." Sheehan continued, "That is not true, I sold 100 copies and got writer's cramp signing them."

Asked for a response, an AP spokesman commented this afternoon: "Photographer Evan Vucci, queried about the incident today said that he was present at the book signing from about 10 a.m. to about 11 a.m. During that time, he said, people were coming in to have their books signed in small groups of a few at a time.

"At the time the photos were taken 'maybe 5 people had come in,' Vucci says, and Sheehan was waiting for more to stop by, which they did individually as well as in very small groups. Therefore the wording of the caption is accurate in that Sheehan was waiting for people to show up at her signing."

Quite possibly, Crawford, Texas is not the liberal hotbed they thought it was. Do you think they'll ever figure out that all those people hanging around during her protest were other protestors trying to grab a little of her spotlight, and the media covering them?