Birthday wisdom

Like many people, I'm taking the occasion of my birthday to reflect on life. There are many places to turn when seeking wisdom, like family (especially your parents), friends, books, and of course the Bible. But the bank of knowledge from which I most frequently withdraw is none other than the inspirational musings of Jack Handey.

Here are some of his Deep Thoughts that relate to life, the universe, and everything:



"There are many stages in a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is."



"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."



"I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet."



"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you."



"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."



"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy."



"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."



"If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?"



"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.' "



"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."