Oscar Madness

Courtesy of the Oscar acceptance speech generator

Penny's Acceptance Speech for the Outstanding Achievement in Gaffing Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest pool parties, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever be so meaningless. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your fake smiles make me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I wasn't blonde enough, I just had to take an epidural and scoff about how freakish my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda wrinkly.

You know, there are so many blood-sucking talentless success stories to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!